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I had a friend once who always misunderstood me when I mentioned people’s egos are generally too big – my ego, her ego, our friends’ egos – and that we need to tame it, peel off the layers of hard shell that makes up the ego. But she was saying she thought her ego was too soft, not strong enough – she thought a strong ego was the same as having a solid personality and a being a strong character.

When you win an argument, it strengthens your ego – you believe you have beaten someone else, overpowered them. It looks like you are building confidence and strength of character. But that’s bullshit. You are becoming more insensitive and less open minded. Building a stronger ego means you are building a stronger wall around you, making you feel less vulnerable. That’s being a coward. Being fearless means stripping the ego – and yes, it will make you more vulnerable, but it will make you a better person. You take the risk of being “beaten”, and “humiliated”. Letting someone else be right, to win and argument, is to be humble, courageous – and gives you a kind of super power. You become a fearless warrior who does not need to hide behind a wall.

Have you ever had your “buttons” pressed? Over and over and over, until you have to react – shout back, fight back? Your husband or wife or boyfriend or girlfriend keeps coming at you with small insults, nasty comments, or just little irritating insinuations. You put up with it for a while, but after button number 10 has been pressed, you snap. We all have been in that situation. In relationships they are particularly common. And we are also guilty of pressing other people’s buttons, sometimes without even knowing it. The more layers you peel off your ego, the harder it will be for people to press your buttons, until you become like Master Zen – button free. Some will say this is “swallowing your pride”, allowing people to walk all over you. But just because you don’t react to subtle little insults, it does not mean you can’t SAY something. Just say it with a Zen-touch: “Sweetheart, that’s just not a nice thing to say…you want to talk about something that’s bothering you?”

Discuss stuff, like adults, don’t get into arguments, like little kids or politicians. Be cool, be calm – develop super powers.

Makes sense? Your turn!